Rollercoaster

1,385 days, this is how long we waited. Nearly 4 years of praying, tears, frustration and acceptance seemed to be something to address rather than just dropping the news that it FINALLY happened and moving on.

I don’t know what I want to focus on with this. Saying thank you to everyone for prayer and support is a big one but also showing a part of the struggle so you can see just how significant this little heartbeat is, seemed worth a wordy post.

I felt every one of those 1,385 days.  I say acceptance in that list of experienced emotions because in this last year I guess I started to get to this point. I wouldn’t say I was there graciously but I looked to the future of our family of three and started to see the positives. I started the mental planning and telling God, ok, we’ll be ok, but please just protect my heart.

You see, it’s not just the letting go of your plans for the future, of never saying my ‘children’ or not seeing a whole new individual made up of you and your favorite person but it’s the not knowing why and seeing everyone else get to do it so easily. They plan it and it happens, they could even accidentally do it and it all works out. That was the worst, the “oh, we didn’t even plan it.” Bitterness is a real part of infertility folks. I will address this more later.

We went to doctors, took the invasive and non-invasive test and everything looked great. I did ultrasound after ultrasound at all stages of my cycle to make sure something wasn’t coming up that they didn’t see and again, it all looked great. We did 5 rounds of Chlomid and I just never wanted to do the 6^th and final round because I knew that would be it. We decided this would be all the medical intervention we would pursue and taking that last round meant we would have come to the end of our rope. We had a cutoff point of trying and one of us (Dom) would get fixed to make sure we had real closure as far as the possibility of getting pregnant.

Having this little “plan” just put more pressure on it. Days turned into weeks and weeks into years. I have had friends pop out 3 whole children since I had my first and every birth announcement killed me. People telling me, it will happen, killed me. Those telling me oh, we had trouble too, took us forever to get pregnant and then the second one just showed up out of nowhere, killed me. A little etiquette on dealing with someone who is going through infertility, especially someone who is going through secondary infertility, stick to sympathy, stick to support and leave out the “light at the end of the tunnel” talk. I get you’re trying to be helpful but my future doesn’t look just like yours and my hopes are fragile. Just sit and be sad with me and offer prayer.

I know all people were trying to do is help, to be positive and encouraging but each timeline or example they presented I took on as a possibility for me and as it passed, more bitterness crept in and it made the inner battle even more treacherous. On the other hand, I soaked up all the “we are praying” and listening ears and if you ever deal with someone going through this, offer that. Just be there, you don’t need to be creative and chipper, just be there.

All of these struggles made the acceptance part very difficult. Getting through all those big brother/big sister pictures and seeing people fill up whole tables at restaurants with their families and saying how amazing it is to see how different their personalities are made me focus on asking God for protection of my heart. That those positives I was focusing on of our Three Musketeer future wouldn’t be brought down by the heartache as time went on.

And so, in all of this, I stuck to a revelation I had probably a year in. I read Psalm 77 and it was a huge savior for me and helped me at my lowest point. It starts out with the psalmist lamenting, wondering where God is and asking if God has forgotten about him but then they choose to think this way:

Psalm 77:10-12

Then I thought, “To this I will appeal:

The years when the Most High stretched out his right hand.

I will remember the deeds of the Lord:

Yes, I will remember your miracles of long ago.

I will consider all your words and meditate on all your mighty deeds.”

Again, I had ups and downs but remembering the past and how He is always there and what He has done helped me to know that one day I could look back and see His work in this.

The future is not guaranteed. Even in our last trimester, there are so many possibilities for our future to change. Even Sophie at 4 years old is not guaranteed. So, I have to hold them both with open hands but man oh man it sure is great to have a chance.

So, thank you to all who prayed. To those who listened and hugged and yes, even to those who said it will happen, I thank you so, so, so much. We are in total shock and just trying to enjoy the opportunity to go through each step again and cannot wait to share God’s work in our lives through this little one.

For The Losers

This post is for those who received our Christmas card but didn't pass the puzzle challenge in order to see how our year went. Allow us to spell it out for you:

• Candice stood by Mindy as she got hitched
• Did lots of traveling including Big Sur, New York and Disneyland
• Candice's little brother graduated eighth grade
• We started going to a small group
• Dominic got a new car
• Fantasy Football claimed hours of our lives
• Dominic got his wisdom teeth removed

We're just teasing you. Hope you had fun and thanks for another great year!

Room 119 Reunion

August 2005, we meet.

March 7, 2009 · August 10, 2013 · July 19, 2014, we get married.

August 23, 2014, we all come together with husbands to hang and see off the one who's moving to Texas.

Sam Bam

Beauty

Cards Against Humanity

Girls Car 

Room 119

Husbands and all

I am forever thankful for Biola sticking us together back in '05 and for the men God brought into our lives. So many great memories.

Because I'm One Of Those People....

PROFESSOR SCRAMBLE

The English Springer Spaniel,
A graceful sporting breed
Loyal and devoted,
With elegance and speed.

So patient and intelligent,
A charmer from the start
When that Spaniel looked at me,
I quickly lost my heart.

Sprawled beside my chair at night,
Or sharing fun outside
I can't imagine life without
My Springer by my side.

(Author Unknown)

If you didn't guess already, this is my English Springer Spaniel, Professor Scramble. We love him to death and he is an excellent dog. If you're in the market for a family pet may I recommend this breed? :)

Surprised

It was my birthday a few weeks ago and my husband asked me what I wanted and I told him I wanted Brooke. He laughed but I was dead serious. She is one of my closest friends and I don't get to see much of her since she doesn't live close by. I got to hang out with her for about a week in August but she was getting married so it was a bit of a different visit. She was the most gorgeous bride I've ever seen but that's beside the point, I wanted to hang out with her and this was my birthday request.

Well, I happen to be a super difficult person to surprise, at least for my husband to surprise. He is terrible at lying and I pay too close attention to details around days that I receive presents so being surprised by him is almost non existent. So the weekend before my birthday I thought well maybe she'll come but he told me seriously that he had tried to get her to come and she just couldn't make it work. I sort of believed him but thought that's what he would say so when she didn't come I just thought she'd come closer to my birthday.

My birthday rolls around and I talk to her and she said yeah, sorry Mopo (my nickname) I just couldn't make it work with time off and she apologized a few times so I started to get sad and thought ok, it's not going to happen. My final hopes were dashed when the weekend after my birthday comes around and still no Brooke, granted it was Valentine's Day weekend and she just got married so they weren't too high to start with but still, Dom doesn't take my requests lightly and always pulls through so I was pretty sure I was going to see her.

So at this point I had given up, I was a bit sad but totally understood. It's expensive to just hop on a flight last minute and then you have your new husband that you don't want to leave and yada, yada, yada. I figured I would come and visit over the summer and we could hang out then. I had moved on and thought nothing more about it.

Well, this past weekend rolls around and it's late Friday night and Dom's brother calls and I can hear him over the phone sounding really bummed and asking Dom to please come pick him up in Sacramento, he has a flat tire. I tell Dom I'll change into some jeans, so as not to scare his family in my pjs and he said, oh no, that's ok, his brother and his wife and their dogs are all stranded, there'd be no room for me. I honestly thought nothing of it and said ok well be careful and he left.

Fast forward about an hour and I'm on the couch knitting and I hear the door unlocking and see Scram look at the door confused and then he started to bark. I just though Dom had surprised him so I started to laugh and looked around the corner, about to tell Dom how silly Scram is when I see Brooke.......I was floored! She just started laughing and then I cried......I'm telling you I cry at everything now, it's bad. I was SO happy to see her and COMPLETELY surprised. Dom really pulled it off, those two had been planning it for weeks.

We spent the next day walking around Auburn, buying books (pictured above) and then took a walk around the neighborhood. After that we went and surprised another high school friend that lives locally and had dinner at her place and played games. Brooke and I stayed up until 2:45am just talking and then gorged ourselves on doughnuts and cookies the next day before she had to leave.

It was such a fun weekend and I am utterly grateful for my husband and Brooke for being sneaky little devils and making it all happen so seamlessly. :)

A Love Affair

So in Europe I had to get new shoes. I guess I should go a little further back.  I bought new black boots for Europe. They were padded, had great reviews, looked great with everything I was planning on taking and were good for all the conditions we would be in.

Now everyone warns you never to take new shoes on a big trip unless you have them properly broken in. So I did just that, I bought them months ahead of time and properly broke them in. Dom and I both got new shoes actually and took long walks a couple nights a week in them and wore them whenever we went out to get them all nice and comfy. We got through the tough stage and by the time we left we thought they were just fine. Wrong, pain, pain, pain. There was blood and tears. I missed quite a few masterpieces because I could literally walk no further. So I got new shoes......twice.

The first pair I bought were two sizes too big for me and had absolutely no structure to them at all. There were basically a peasant shoe, soft leather shaped like a foot. I had to do it this way so nothing would rub and my feet could start to heel. They did the trick and I could walk again but they just weren't very good when it came to rain or snow or looks for that matter.

A little more than halfway through our trip I found some new shoes. Actually I fell in love with some new shoes. I got them in Siena, Italy.  You would think they were fine Italian leather right? No, those were super expensive and I had my heart set on a beautiful bag, which I got, so I had to economize and go with leather from the Czech Republic. I act as if they were junk or something but that is not the case at all. They are fantastic. I loved them so much they could have been from America and still would have had trouble buying anything else.

They're chunky and comfy and do great in the ran, I can walk miles and miles in them and they go great with everything. My peasant shoes thankfully didn't have to endure much water, since they couldn't handle it, but no longer than thirty minutes after I got these new shoes we experienced our first downpour in Europe. My feet were dry and toasty and I was saying a thankful prayer the whole time.

I loved them so much that I would always snap photos of them when we were resting. Here are a few to give you an idea of their awesomeness. You can really tell how infatuated I was with them since I didn't realize I was taking a picture of them next to trash but again you get a feel for my affection and for Rome's atmosphere.

 

It's been about three months since we've been home and I still have a hard time wearing anything else. They're on my feet right now and I don't want to take them off. 

Lights Out

All of the bulbs in our house keep going out.....I'm starting to think there's something more going on here, like some little gnome comes in when we're gone and burns one out to watch us exhale deeply in frustration when we flip the switch.

Maybe we have bad electricity or lazy bulbs, maybe Scram just thinks we like it a little too bright in here and he wants to tone it down a bit. Seriously though, 3 separate bulbs in the living room, one in the kitchen, one in our room and before this a few months ago we had several in the guest rooms and a couple in the bathrooms. There may have been one in the laundry room but I'm pretty sure that was my fault.

Perhaps this is God's way of saying, "You're 26 Candice, the dark is not that scary." You know, sometimes you need to exit a room quickly when you can't see what's in every crevice. Either way, I'm super tired of changing bulbs.