I hate nightmares. The ones where you think they are so real it takes you a minute to catch your breath and realize it was a dream, or the ones where you wake up and your face hurts because you were crying so hard. They don't always start out this dramatic but I feel like they gain in their potency with age. When I was little, I used to have weird, abstract nightmares. The earliest one I can remember was actually somewhat normal, I was five and dreamed that wolves were surrounding my bed trying to get me, but as long as I was under my covers I was safe. From this I developed a tick where I automatically raise my feet off the floor when I'm scared. My knees get cramped during scary movies because I have my legs tucked in so close to me, just in case something, or someone, claws at me from the end of the bed or from under the couch.
But then something changed and my nightmares went all Salvador Dali on me. I kept having these reoccurring nightmares with abstract objects floating in the air like I was in the middle of the universe and, for some reason, it freaked me out. I don't know when those stopped but the last nightmare I can remember from my childhood happened when I was about 10 and I dreamed that I was skiing and fell and then somehow turned into my skis, which were sort of buried under the snow, enough to where people kept skiing over them/me and I thought I was going to die. This one required a trip to moms room and her lying in bed with me until I calmed down and fell back asleep.
Since then my nightmares have become a little more realistic. I have had the traditional falling off a building and waking up before you hit the ground but that usually happens in the car. Going to the bathroom in public, these ones aren't so much terrifying as they are embarrassing, but that amount of embarrassment terrifies some people........me. Lately it's been more heights related, being on the top of a hundred story building while it sways heavily in the wind and I'm about to go over the edge. I've had quite a few of those recently, to my dislike. Or, being kidnapped. I had that one in high school and was pleased when dream Candice grabbed the wheel of the kidnapper's car in an attempt to save herself but in the end the effort was useless.
I would gladly take any one of those dreams over the heart-wrenching nightmares. The ones where you wake up drenched in sweat, crying about what just happened and you automatically need to check in with reality to make sure none of it was true. I'm talking about the ones where you lose a loved one, by any means. I have had a few where my mom has died. My face has never experience such pain as I sobbed in slumber and in reality over the loss of my mom. I immediately went to her room again in tears as she assured me she was alive or I have called her to make sure she was still around for the advice, hugs, laughs and love that I sill need from her. Each time she has made me feel better but the dream still leaves a little scar.
And, after last night, I have a new sort of dream to add to the heart-wrenching category. The betrayal of a husband, which I count as a loss. I dreamed that Dom cheated on me with someone I hadn't seen since Jr. High and the most awful thing about it was that dream Dom didn't seem to care, and he seemed to be in love with her in the most endearing way. They had pet names for each other! Gross! I can't remember his for her, something cutesy, but hers for him was "Big," like the character from Sex and the City. I could give you all the details of the dream but it's not important, besides they aren't fun to think about. Anyway, I woke up in shock and started crying like I was in the dream and even woke up Dom to calm me down. He felt awful about it and assured me that he never has and never will do anything like that, not that I needed any assuring because I already know this about him, but the sweet way that he said it did help. He held me until I felt better and we moved on but the loss that I felt was just as painful as losing my mom. The funny thing is that right before I went to bed I told Dom that I was tired of dramatic dreams and wanted a peaceful nights sleep, filled with dreams of friends, pretty colors or anything soothing..........oh well.
I am crossing my fingers for a better nights sleep tonight and that hopefully I can take away something from each of these nightmares, either the reminder that I truly love those closest to me or the simple lesson of facing my fears, I don't plan on going potty publicly anytime soon but maybe I could get over the heights thing. Well, cheers to a peaceful nights sleep.
