Melancholy

Do you ever just feel melancholy? Like there is something wrong, some void that needs to be filled and it makes you sad until it has either been fulfilled or has simply passed with time. I used to feel like this when I was younger, before I knew God. Since we started a formal relationship in jr. high/ high school I feel more content and that void was never so overwhelming. Well it's back and I think I know why.

I have everything I have ever wanted. A wonderful husband, a degree, and a place to call my own but it pains me to say that the void has returned. I am almost certain that it is the God shaped hole I experience so long ago. Due to my lack of discipline, passion, and flat out desire to pursue any kind of relationship with God my heart has slowly begun to harden and the overwhelming feeling now rests in me. Any urge I experience to learn about my savior gets batted away when I think of other things that I could be doing, things that don't help me grow as a child of God or free me from a life of meaninglessness. I don't just want to be a Christian, I am not feeling guilty for not reading my bible for a certain amount of time everyday or saying so many prayers in an hour, I don't feel guilt because that to me means I viewed those things as works but I feel "guilty" in the sense that I am letting my Father down. My creator who wants nothing more than my attention and regard.

I want to be in a relationship with God. I want to read the Bible because I want to know more about him not because I think I'll get brownie points. I want to pray unceasingly because I never want to have a second that he is not involved in. I want to be a servant to Him and those around me without ever wanting a thank you or any sort of praise, to do it because his character radiates through me. These are the things I am missing, the things that create a deep longing in my very core because my spirit, my very essence miss their creator.

I experience so much happiness but the joy that I could live would be to share all of it with God, to properly acknowledge that these are all gifts from Him and He would love nothing more than to experience them with me to the fullest.